Landing a TEDx Talk: Colette Fehr on Resilience, Rejection, and Speaking Success

Welcome to My First Stage, the podcast where experienced public speakers share how they started getting booked on stages and how they've used them to grow their business. I am here with Colette Fehr. She is a licensed psycho— psychotherapist, nationally recognized relationship expert, author, podcast host, and as of last year, TEDx speaker, which we are super excited to talk about., and I am honored to have her on the show.

So Colette, thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

And you are now very recently an author. Your book came out just a month ago.

Yes, my book, The Cost of Quiet. It will transform your relationship with your partner and yourself. And actually it all applies to every relationship. It's a communication book. So I encourage everyone to take a look and it's connected to what I talked about in my TEDx Talk, same topic.

Yeah, and you— I do know a lot about your TEDx Talk. I did watch the whole thing, of course, but I also worked with you on writing the script and figuring out those stories in it, which was so much fun. And I wanted to dive right into that. Yeah, talk about how you became a TEDx speaker. That's the thing that so many speakers want to be, and you did it.

So talk about it. Yeah, it was really hard actually. It was harder than I thought it was gonna be. It's exciting because there are more opportunities than ever now that there are so many local TEDx options, and yet there are more applications than ever. Some of these places I applied to got 150, 200, 300+ applications per talk. So like you said, everybody wants to do this. And so I set about— first, I found someone I knew who had done a TEDx. And I set up a time to meet with them, buy them coffee, breakfast, pick their brain, find out about their experience, how they approached it.

So I got some good tips from that. And then I basically went on the TED site, the main site, and identified all of the opportunities that were coming up that I had any potential connection to. You don't have to be connected to where the TEDx place is, but it can help. So because I'm in Florida, I'm in the Winter Park, Orlando area, I looked for things throughout the state of Florida. I went to Tulane University in New Orleans, and Tulane had an upcoming TEDx Talk. I grew up in New York, so I pitched talks in New York. I even pitched a TEDx at University of Kentucky because my husband went to college there. And what I really want people to know I'm a big fan as a therapist of talking about failure and rejection because it's such a part of the experience.

So of the, like, 16 colleges I applied to, Tulane is the only one that rejected me. So we can both be mad at Tulane University.

There you go. Yes. Oh my God, I love it. All right, we have that in common, Sarah.

Yes.

Now, I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't believe it. So it was hard.

How you say, like, you applied to places that you had a connection with— do you, like, write that connection in your application? Like, how did you use that connection?

Some wanted, I mean, Tulane wanted an extensive outline of the entire talk. So that took me— They would. Yeah, they would. And that's—

They're pretentious. They turned me down.

Yeah, exactly. We hate them now. Yes. So I had to do all that work, which is hard before you've even built your talk. I hadn't developed my talk at this point, so I would always find a place to put in, you know, I'm really excited about this talk because I went to college at Tulane. I'm excited to do a talk at University of Kentucky because my husband is an alum and we— I've traveled to Kentucky with him many times over the years. Right. I'm excited to do this talk in New York because this is my hometown and I grew up here and every place rejected me.

I got 6 rejections. Now, really, I think I got it on my 7th try. From talking to other people, you may have to apply to much more than that. I actually have learned I probably got relatively lucky to land it on my 7th. But the experience was very discouraging along the way. And right before I got it, I began to feel like, oh my God, these applications take so much time. And is this ever going to happen?

And then once it did happen, I'm curious, like the TEDx talks are kind of like the top tier. They're what people strive for. And did it live up to the hype for you, like doing the, doing the talk, what came after, like how, how did it compare to what you expected?

I was so excited. I worked so hard on it. I worked with you. We did a couple of like writing and scripting sessions. Then I ended up changing it and using a different story because I got feedback from a couple people that they didn't like the story I had used. So that sucked. They thought it was too critical of my ex-husband and like took away from— I know, but now I have that for a future speech. I have it.

I'm not saying that your talk wasn't phenomenal as is, but that man deserved to be criticized. I'm just going to say that.

I know, I know. But my daughters were there in the audience and, you know, because it's like I told my personal story, it is very sensitive and it's about divorce. So it was complicated with my ex's family, who I'm close to, my daughters. Anyway, it all worked out. But I did all that work with you. I also worked with— I had taken acting classes and I did a round of sessions with my acting teacher just on presentation. And this is like, this isn't the first time I've done public speaking, but I still put a lot into this is my moment. I want it to be the best it can be.

And I think we do all need help and feedback. So I felt really good going into it. I was nervous the day of, but when we had our practice, I felt like I knew my talk way better than anybody else there. I felt confident. And then the night of, I was the first to go out. They had a whole new staff of like relatively young people, not that young people can't be great, but I walk out to this packed auditorium, dark, bright light on the stage. I'm the first one. It's exhilarating and terrifying.

And the microphone wasn't on. So I walk out and there's thundering applause. And then they yank me back by the belt of my pants. And I'm sitting there in front of the whole audience. Everyone's looking at me. Totally awkward. Then here's where it really went bad, Sarah. I get up on stage and I've crafted my TEDx talk.

Wanted you to have slides. They wanted minimal words. They want visual anchors. I spent, I don't know, a week buying photos, cultivating photos, thinking about what would come up when. You have no teleprompter. You have to memorize your talk. It's a TEDx rule. Of course, it doesn't necessarily come out exactly that way, but I had timed and planned this thing like to the nth degree.

And I get up on stage and I start talking, the microphone's working. I'm like, all right, here we go. And about 60 seconds in, I feel comfortable, but just as I feel comfortable, I realize that the clicker isn't working and I can't move the slides. So I have a big like, oh shit moment. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I allowed to curse?

We had a pastor that said the F-bomb like several times, so you're great.

Good to know. Okay, so I'm like, oh my God, what am I gonna do? And then I said, forget it, I'm just gonna let the COVID slide be on. It is what it is, the show must go on. Well, some little 22-year-old intern backstage— and I say this with love, my daughter's 22— decides to start moving the slides for me, but she moves them all out of order. And so the thesis and the 3 points are coming up before I've even told the story and it makes no sense. So now I'm totally distracted. I lost my way. I had to like pause for what felt like an eternity.

And in my mind, the negative sabotaging thought I was thinking is, you know, I wanted to have a run at being a TED Editors' Pick. And I'm thinking now this whole thing, I didn't know at the time that they edit the recording. And I thought, this is just ruined. All of this work and it's ruined. I got so distracted. I couldn't remember the talk. And then I just had that come to Jesus moment inside where I was like, fuck it. Fuck the script.

Fuck the slides. I'm just going to like let them be out of order. And now I have to connect to my audience and just deliver. A heartfelt performance, but it was the most difficult, I would say one of the most difficult, humiliating, scary moments of my life. I ended up getting it together, delivering a good performance. We edited out the pause and they let me go back through the presentation and look for that place where the slides were just totally crazy. And they used the camera that was on me instead of the slides. So you don't notice it in the final product.

And in the end, I did get selected as a TED Editor's Pick, and all was well. But it was a really scary, crazy experience.

And you had, you had told me, um, before I had watched it that there were like all of these problems. And then I watched it, I was just kind of like cringing for you. I'm like, this is gonna— like something bad's gonna happen. And I'm just waiting and I'm waiting, and I'm like, when is the bad?

When it—

when is the bad? Because they really, like, they did a great job of editing it. And now you said it was a TED Editor's Pick.

What does that mean? So TED, the big parent company, will choose certain talks that they want to feature and give— it's basically like an honor, and they'll send it out in their stuff to say, hey, here's one of our Editor's picks, like, this is a good talk. So it's a nice honor. It meant my talk didn't come out— everybody else's talk was out within about 2 weeks of the date. Mine didn't come out for— wait till April. So mine came out July 1st, and I did it April 5th.

That was my birthday present. It was your TED Talk.

I love it. I love it. What a great day.

I'm like, I'm looking up right now because I want to see like how many on YouTube, how many views your video got.

26,000. Yeah. So that's like a nice start, right? I mean, it didn't go viral. I think that's always the hope, but you just— it's so hard. It's so— it's just like social media, like, yeah, you just don't know what's going to happen. Now, I will say, I don't think anything tangible in my life has necessarily come from this. However, I think it's part of your whole platform and it's helping me. I have a real focus now that my book's out, a real focus on booking a lot of speaking engagements this year.

And I'm raising my fee now that my book's out and I have a TEDx talk. So I do think it positions you. I think it's well respected. And I also think it's a personal growth challenge that anyone who's any kind of speaker should go for.

And 26,000 views is not a small number. Yeah, no, it's great. Just say that.

It's great because the only 1%— now that there's so many TEDx Talks, I think only 1% get more than like 1,000 views. Mm-hmm.

And yours had 26,000 views.

Yes. And hopefully more to come.

Yes, it's going— it is going to be linked in the show notes. So anybody who wants to watch it, please go watch it. It is so, so good. So raw and personal. And I'm, I'm maybe a little bit biased because I helped with it, but it is really a fantastic, uh, talk.

And, and you did help me so much in such a great way. Like, I got so much out of our— we did what, 3 or 4 working sessions where we were just in there playing with lines, changing things. One of my favorite lines, I can't remember it by heart, but was something that you came up with. The crystal ball.

I knew you were going to say that. I was thinking that too. It's, you can't expect someone to be a mind reader. You have to be the crystal ball that like tells them what you need or something. Yes, I remember that line.

That was a good line. I think it's a great line. So it was— and I really suggest that to everyone, you know, working with somebody, working with you, like, get— let somebody get in there I feel like I'm someone who's capable of writing a good speech. I think I'm a good writer. I think I'm a good speaker. And I think we all need that outside feedback and, and somebody else's perspective, especially when you're so close to your story. And as a couples therapist, I'm so close to my work. It's really, really helpful to have somebody help you write and then have a couple of trusty trusted.

I wouldn't share it with too many people because you don't want too many chefs in the kitchen, but having some people that you really trust give you some feedback on what you have is really valuable as well.

And I really loved working with you because you would come up to me after Podfest, and I actually talked about this, I think it was the episode I did with Justin, um, that you came up to me after I spoke at Podfest and you're like, I want you to work with me on my TED Talk. And I was like, Yep. I've never done a TED Talk though, and I've never written a TED Talk, but okay, yeah, if you want. I had never— something I had never done before, but it's— I mean, it's based in storytelling, it's writing, it's things that I do. It just wasn't a format that I was used to. So I got to have that really cool experience of working with you on it and kind of helping shape what that talk was going to look like, and then to be able to watch it and see like, oh, I wrote those words. And I— it was really interesting too for me because it's like I wrote those words, but the story was so you— like, I don't want that to be misconstrued either. It's like, well, right, and you didn't write the whole talk.

Yeah, no, no, right, right, right, right.

Um, but it's like if you get someone to help you write your story, it doesn't somehow become theirs. It doesn't somehow like, like, oh, well, we should talk about when I did this. Like, no, we're talking— it's all you, it's your story, and it's just having someone to kind of help pull the details that you may have overlooked or put them in an order that feels more impactful and relatable than maybe you had seen before. So it was really a great experience for me as well. So thank you for letting me be part of it.

Yeah, no, it was great for me too, and you added so much that was So good. And this is why I think it is so valuable to have collaborative partners at these stages. And to speak to what you just said, the reason I came up to you after Podfest was exactly that. You know, I didn't necessarily need someone who'd written a million TEDx Talks. I loved how you spoke. I loved that it was authentic. It was vulnerable. The storytelling was great.

And that's why I approached you. There's a million people out there that will say, oh, I'll write a TEDx. And there are people who will just write the whole talk for you. You can pay someone $20,000, $30,000. You can pay someone $20,000, $30,000 and they'll get you a TEDx talk. Number one, I don't have the money to do that. Number two, you know, I didn't think that was necessary. I wanted help with somebody who I thought was a great storyteller and was aligned with me on what makes for a good talk.

And after I heard you speak, I was like, ah, this girl has it.

And you do. Well, I appreciate that. And it's funny because I always say that, like, I, I will never do a TED Talk. It is not on my list. It's— I don't want to do one. I don't have it in me to memorize a talk. I get on stage, I have no idea what's coming out of my mouth. And so it was interesting also for me to have you see that in me as a speaker when I'm like, we are not doing the same thing.

So yeah, yeah, it was a really cool experience. Coming out of it, you said that there was not necessarily anything tangible yet that came from it, but what would you say did come from it, or how have you been using it to do anything else in your speaking or writing or anything?

Yeah, I definitely think it's something that has a lot of cachet. People are impressed by— even people who do a lot of speaking, to your point, or it's not how we typically speak, that we would memorize the talk. It's not really the best strategy. So it's really challenging, especially at— I'm 52, I delivered this talk at 51, in the throes of menopause, to memorize a speech. I was like, can my brain still do this? But fortunately it can, and it did. I think that it definitely is helping me land other paid gigs. And again, it's another huge credibility piece that you are out there at that level. I think it speaks to credibility across the board, even beyond just as a speaker.

So anyone, and not that it needs to be a goal, but I think for anyone who is interested in it for whatever reason, I think it's well worth it. I just think it's part of your foundation though. And the platform you offer, and that it can probably help you raise your fee and book more speaking gigs.

I love that. If you would give anybody that wants to be a TEDx speaker, just be a speaker in general, one piece of advice, what would it be?

So my advice for speakers, and we didn't talk about this, but is start speaking anywhere and everywhere. I don't care if you have to stand on the corner and talk to traffic while they're going by. I decided to sign up for Toastmasters, and I went for about a year every week and suffered through the fear of getting up in front of an audience. I love speaking, but I also have a lot of public speaking fear. More than 70% of people do. We know that the only way to make that better is to get up again and again. It's called exposure therapy. So the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

And that is my first and biggest tip. Don't wait until you have some big paid thing, or ideally even your TEDx. Get that muscle going and teach your body that you are not in fact going to die every time you stand up in front of a crowd, because that's how it can feel. I still get a little nervous before a talk. Nobody ever believes me. But as soon as I'm about a minute in, I feel better. Yet that whole day I'm going to be jittery. So get yourself some experience.

The next thing I mentioned earlier, find someone you know who's done some public speaking. A TEDx talk is a professional speaker. And if you don't have someone you know, look on LinkedIn, send people a cold note, ask them if they would be willing to do a 15-minute Zoom, or if they're in your local area, can I take you to coffee? A lot of people, especially if you don't make the ask so big, are willing to help. You know, if someone reached out to me, I would say, yes, you're gonna have to wait till April, but then I'm happy, 'cause I'm still in book launch, but then I'm happy to give you 15 minutes and share what I know if it would be helpful. So I think mentorship is really, really important. And the third thing we also talked about is getting people to help you. You know, whatever level financially you can afford to do. There's tons of help out there if you, if you have all the money in the world.

I don't, but I tried to be strategic with my resources and get help from someone like you. I gave my talks to family members, to my husband. I asked for critical feedback. We all need that. Don't work in a vacuum. Collaborate with other people who can give you really, really good feedback to help you improve.

I love that. And thank you so much for being here. And how can people get in touch with you or learn more about you?

Yes. Okay, so I wanna show my book again because I would love it if you guys would check it out. It's called The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love. It's available now wherever books are sold. This will help you transform the way you communicate and connect to other people, not just in romantic relationships, and also teach you a lot about how to be securely connected to yourself. And you can find me at colettejanebaer.com. I'm also on Instagram @colettejanebaer and on Substack. I have a great Substack called Secrets from a Therapist that I share free resources, lots of stuff about growth, speaking, writing, relationships that I send out every week.

I just hit 5,000 subscribers on Substack, so I'm very active there. Thank you. And, um, those are the main places that I hang out. And of course the book and hopefully lots more speaking engagements to come.

Love it. And I will get all of that linked in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here and everybody else. Thank y'all for listening and come back next week for another My First Stage story.

Thank you so much for having me, Sara. Mm-hmm.