Overcoming First Stage Nerves: How Preparation and Connection Build Confident Speakers

Welcome back to my first stage where we talk about everyone's first stage story, how they got booked on their first stages and how they use it to grow their business. I am here with recovering college professor turned communication coach, Tim Newman, host of the Speaking with Confidence podcast. And he's going to tell us all how to start speaking with confidence and how he got started. So, Tim, thanks so much for hanging out.

Sara, thanks so much for inviting me, but we're gonna have a good time.

Always do. I. So usually I have someone fill out a form that tells me all about their story. And I didn't have. Have you do that because I asked you yesterday if you would do this with me. But I know a little bit about your first speaking experience and it was messy. Yeah.

And before I get into it, that wasn't the only time that that happened. Speaking.

Okay, tell everyone what happened.

And when I got out of the military, I went to college. And Sara, as you know, everybody has to take this, this wonderful human communications course. Doesn't matter what school you go to. And it's, it's as awful now as it was back then. We don't. You don't really learn how to, to really communicate. And shows up on my freshman schedule. And I'd say, I don't need this.

I already know what I'm doing and I drop it. And my advisor says, come my senior year, says, Tim, if you want to graduate, you have to take the class. And what you don't know, Sara, I don't know if you know this or not, but you and I graduated from. Both graduated from Towson. And so it was at Towson that this happened.

I don't think they had. I didn't have to take that course though, so they must have changed it. I took a different. I took like a public, some kind of public speaking class for my communications major.

Yeah, but you're welcome. They probably said, okay, that's enough, we're not doing that anymore.

We're tired of cleaning the floor.

Exactly. So anyway, I took the class. And all you had to do was give a five minute talk on something. I can't remember what it was, but you know, I'VE got, you know, transparencies. This is before PowerPoint. This is really before laptops and all the other stuff. And so I put my transparencies on the desk and I square up to the class and I get ready to talk. And I literally threw up right there in front of the classroom.

And so that was how my speaking career started.

And it's just been downhill from there.

It really has. And I say this, that wasn't the first time. I mean, that wasn't the last time. It was the first time. Wasn't the last time I threw up at a speaking event.

That is horrible.

That's my life. That's my life.

So we had one of my. One of the first episodes. It was Marianne Hickman, and she. Peter pants off stage. Yes. One of my favorite conversations I've had just because. Amazing. So now we've had Peter pants on stage and we've had throw up on stage.

And if someone wants to, like, finish up the trifecta, call me if you've ever, like, shit yourself on stage. So how did you. Because, like, you teach people how to communicate confidently, and you must have, at some point in this journey, gotten more comfortable with public speaking. What did that look like? What did you have to do in order to be confident speaking and keep your lunch down?

Sara, that's. That's such a good question. And it's. It was a long road and not easy. And. And the honest truth is there are times, let's just put it truthfully, every time I get up on stage, I'm nervous. That's just the way it is. I think the nervousness has gone from afraid to speak to the nervousness.

Am I providing the value that the audience needs? So that nervousness never truly goes away. It changes and adjusts. But. But that was really a long road. I had always wanted to be a teacher ever since I can remember back in high school, back in the early mid-80s. And so I had to figure it out. If I was going to be a teacher, I had to figure it out. And the only real formal training I had was that one stupid class.

And so I searched people out, I talked to people, I tried to get help from other teachers, principals. I started teaching in high school and it didn't really go real well. But the more you do something, especially speaking in front of groups of people, the more comfortable you're going to be. Because it's like riding a bicycle or driving a car. The more you do something, the better you're going to be. Now you're still going to make those mistakes until you get the training. And honestly, one of the times that I knew that I really needed to get better was when I was teaching in college. One of my, really, one of my best students came up to me in tears.

So what was. That's something that a lot of people struggle with. I am one of them. For me, it's more like, than ums and us. But what, what is the framework that you have for cutting back on the filler words?

So for, for me, it's, it's all about preparation. The more. And Sara, you've known this since you've known me. I'm a preparer. I do research. I spend a vast amount of time researching and preparing for no matter what it is that we do. Except for this, because it was yesterday, but we already knew what was going on anyhow. For me, it starts with the audience.

If you know who your audience is, and you need to figure out as much detail as you possibly can about who your audience is.

If you're speaking at a conference, you're speaking at a bigger event. How do you find that type of information?

Well, there it's more generalized information. So if. So you gave, you gave me two conferences to look at recently, right. And what do you think? I did. I pulled up, I did, I pulled up the research and I actually applied to one of them already.

Right.

Pull up the research. So who is this? Who. Who is this targeting? And then you start looking at who, who are the. Who are different members of this organization, you know, and pick out, you know, 10 or 15 people on LinkedIn that are members of this organization, and you start to see some other common denominators. So you don't have to actually know each person individually or specifically, but know what the, what the organization's about and what some of those interests of the people that attend these conferences are about. What what their knowledge base is, where, where they went to school, where they study, what's the purpose of the, of the conference is those things are all really, really, really important, no matter what it is that you're going to talk about.

I feel like one of the data points that I see often if I'm looking at a conference website, it'll tell me like what career level a lot of the attendees are. Like it's C suites, it's manager level, whatever it is. And that can give you an idea sort of about like age of the attendees. Because generally the higher in your career you are, the older you are. And you have a very specific kind of niche because you speak about the generational differences when it comes to communication. So if someone is going to speak at a conference where it's a lot of like older professionals, they have to communicate differently versus if they were going to a very young conference, like the Gen Zers of the world have a very different way of communicating. Talk about that. What do you have to do differently when your audience is older or younger?

You know, that is, again, that's such a good question. And it's from my perspective, that's where we, I talk about me in particular, my generation has really kind of fallen off or failed the younger generations because we haven't really made that attempt to reach out, to figure out how they communicate or why they communicate or why they think or do the things the way that they do. Now I'm a little bit different in that I spent my entire career working with young people. And so it's much easier for me to understand the trends, understand how they, how the hows and the whys, even though, you know, I'm not necessarily perfect at it and I struggle with it at times. But when you're speaking with different age groups and you're trying to bridge that gap from one age group to another so that they can communicate, that's where you have to actually get to those two groups of people in the same room and have them talk to each other and facilitate that conversation. One of the things that I like doing is working with the Gen Xers, my generation, and getting them to understand why they should maybe have a Gen Z mentor. Right. And kind of flip that script.

What are a few key things you've learned when it comes to communicating with Gen Z? The specifics about that generation that really differs from any other one?

Yeah, so that's. I made two real big pivots in my educational career teaching. One of them was when social media first came out or became bigger. And the second one was when I realized that the way I was connecting or relating to Gen Z wasn't working. And I've always, I mean I've always had good relationships and connected really well with my students, always. It's, it's. But what I was doing wasn't working and I was really, really frustrated. I just changed institutions.

I'd been at a new institution for about two years and I was so frustrated because it just wasn't connect, I just wasn't connecting with it. And essentially what I did was I, over the course of about two months I took about 15 kids out to lunch and just started talking to them, started building trust. It's essentially what it was is I started building a little bit more trust and trying to ask questions to understand where they were coming from, why what I was doing wasn't working, what I could or should be doing, that was a better way to connect with them. And that really kind of transformed the way I taught. So I went from being, I was never a strictly lecture, but I went from being a PowerPoint lecturer to a conversational lecturer and hands on in classroom type of activities. Small group discussions, much more small group discussions. Walking around monitoring things and building that trust with the Gen Zs at that point was so much easier because if I said I was, if I told them I was going to do something, they saw me do it as opposed to before. I just did things.

If I said, you can push back on me and Sara, you know this, you can tell me things. And I'm very open to hearing feedback, very open. And my students didn't understand that. And so I would ask questions and they would sit there with the bobblehead look and I would get upset, give me the feedback. That's one of the things that makes me a little bit different. That's one thing that makes that generation a little bit different. They want to engage, they want to give their ideas and their opinions, but they feel like our generation isn't open to hearing it.

I'm like kind of on the cusp. I am a baby millennial. So I, I have some millennial tendencies and I have some Gen Z tendencies. And I guess that's kind of where I skew more Gen Z. Because the reason I don't like public speaking as much as people might think I do because of how much I do it is I don't like lecturing. And anytime I'm on a stage somewhere, I try to turn it into something more interactive. I try to turn it into a Workshop style. And I didn't realize that was maybe an age thing and that's like a Gen Z thing.

Yeah, it really is. Because it's. It's what they, what they don't want is kind of what you said earlier. They don't want, you know, the old guy or the old girl up there just telling them, just giving them information. They want to be able to engage with that information, ask questions about it, understand it. And so that may slow the learning process down from the standpoint of the amount of information that you cover, but they're going to have a much better understanding of the information that's actually covered.

So if you're speaking to a Gen Z audience, make it interactive and don't try to. Yeah, don't try to overload with information.

Yeah, absolutely. Have some form of engagement in there. You know, think about it, you know, differently with, especially when you're doing online stuff, whether it's a zoom presentation or a webinar, the whole idea of having people put an emoji up or putting something in a chat, what that does is it not only keeps them engaged, but it keeps them focused on whatever's actually going on. And then maybe you'll put them in a breakout group in a room for two or three minutes discussing something and then bringing them back out and having them share it. But simple, simple little things like give an emoji, give a fire emoji, give me a thumbs up, put a 1 in the chat, whatever that is, that keeps them engaged, that keeps their mind sharp and focused on what you're doing, what you're talking about? Because they do have that goldfish attention span.

It's so true. And that's one of the things that we battle when it comes to online content, is how do we get attention? How do we keep attention? Have you found any really great ways to get attention off the bat? Like when you start a presentation, when you start a podcast, when you start something that you're doing, how do you start it in a way that's going to get people to want to continue to engage with you or watch what you're doing?

So I've got two different ways, and it really kind of depends on the audience and the atmosphere. Either I ask an engaging question or I tell a joke. I end with a napkin and have them right. I have them right. I tell a story about companies that started based on one napkin. Like, like Southwest Airlines, like virgin air, like DreamWorks, whatever, whatever it is. And now I tell them because I, I do a. An elevator Pitch workshop within it and three sentences.

Write it on the napkin, take a picture of it. Take a. Take a picture, a selfie with it, and send it to me.

It's always so smart. I feel like one of the things I always want to do is figure out an actual exercise that the people can do. And I usually. I'll have worksheets. I'll have something because that they're also. That helps them remember.

It does.

Have you had any, like, really cool interactions following that of people? Like, I. Like I had someone come up and ask me to autograph the worksheet. But have you ever had, like, a cool interaction afterwards of someone that reached out to, like, I still have this napkin or something? Like, anything came of it.

Here's the coolest thing that's ever happened to me, ever. One of my strengths is building connection and connecting others. Other people. That's what I do. Last year, a group of former students who they've known each other for, obviously for years, they do a buddy trip every year, and they all turned 40 and they came to visit me. Oh, how do you get cooler than that?

Oh, how'd that go? What happened?

That was so awesome. I love them. You're my adopted daughter. They're my adopted sons. To me, that is success. That's success.

I love that you had mentioned your thing is connections, and you do have a book about connections. So what is that about? And how does it tie into public speaking or speaking in general? Yeah.

Yeah. So I transitioned out of higher education into podcasting and communications coaching, and I was thinking about my career and the good, the bad, the ugly. And one of the things that I continued to come back to was what I did well and what I didn't do well, what I should have done. One of the things I did well is, like I said, I'm a connector. I help people. I help people point them or put them in positions that they're going to be successful. Really, I'm really good at that. What I'm not good at is putting myself in the same positions I put other people in.

So I'm a do what I say, not what I do person. And I look back on my career at times where if I had just done one or two things, if I just made one or two phone calls or just made one or two more conversations happen, what would my career have turned into? Where could it have taken me? And what I realized was that there really, you can have both. You can be both. A connector, somebody who helps other people and puts them in position as well as a climber, somebody who's. Who works on your own personal growth and promotion. You don't have to be one or the other. And that's really what the book is about, is taking the best of both and getting rid of the worst of both, to becoming the. The person that not only helps and provides value to other people, but also grows your own influence and leadership and career.

And all of the millennials like me now have Best of Both Worlds by Hannah Montana in their head. So thank you for that. Or maybe that's an ADHD thing, Millennial slash ADHD thing, I don't know. But no, that. It is a great book, and you and I have talked about it a lot. Is there anything that's in it that's like the number one piece of advice from this book for someone who wants to be on stages, Take massive imperfect

action, just do it. Just whatever. It doesn't really matter what it is. Nothing happens until you do something. You can think about it all you want, you can write about it all you want, you can talk about it all you want, but nothing happens until you actually take the first step and do it. And I'm not saying that that first step is easy, but if you take that first step, that second step is easier than the first step. Just take that first step and do whatever the thing is, and you will have people there that. That will not only support you, but will help you and be your cheerleaders.

You can't have a cheerleader if you're not actually taking that step forward.

And then you. And you are a cheerleader for so many people. What is the best way that you can be a cheerleader for the people in your network that really connects you with them?

Well, that's a. That's a really good question. You have to know. You have to know your people. You have to know who they are, what their goals, dreams, aspirations, strengths, weaknesses. You have to know them and put them in a position for them to be successful. That's the key thing. And I don't know if you saw this, but, you know, I know I sent an email out today with names, and there was a response back to one of them that basically says, I've never been on stage before, and I haven't responded to her yet, but I'm going to, because she's a leader.

She may not have been on a stage, but she stands up in front of people and leads them. And she has that quote, unquote imposter syndrome about being on the stage. And I'M going to encourage her to reach out to you and schedule freaking meeting and have the conversation and take that step forward. So, you know, I, I tell people a lot. I, I don't surround myself with yes people. I want somebody who's going to challenge

me and say, so that's why you keep me around?

That's why I keep you around. You're going to do it. If you want to get better, you got to do this right, y'.

All. I mean, seriously, all of our meetings, like, so I don't think we even said this, but I, I produce your podcast speaking with confidence.

Right.

And you and I will get on a call every couple of months. Not. It's not all the time. Every single time you get on that call really anxious about all the stuff you need to do, and you leave that call even more anxious.

Yeah.

About all the stuff that you now have to do on top of all the stuff you had to do. Yeah. I've been wondering why you keep me.

But that's that, that, that's what you have to do, though. That. That's what professionals do and that's what friends do.

That.

That's what you know. And, and sir, I consider you really part of the family. But that's. That's what you do. Because I'm not helping and you're not helping anybody. If you, if you're a yes person, that doesn't help anybody. If they've done great. Yeah, tell them they've done great, but also push them to do the next right thing or the next great thing or the thing that's going to get them over that hump.

Those are things that have to happen.

I don't remember who said it. I think it was from a show or something, but it's like, you don't. It doesn't pay to surround yourself by people that tell you what you already know.

Why would you pay somebody and then not follow their instructions here? Why would you ask somebody for help and then say, no, I'm not going to do that. I know better than you anyway. That doesn't make any sense. It goes back to what we talked about earlier. If you know who the expert is, I don't care how old you are. I don't care what your background is. If you know something, if I'm talking to somebody else and I know that they know something that I need to know, I'm not going to go ask them and then disregard what they're saying and then continue to do it my way. That's nonsensical.

I love that. And I love getting to hang out with you. And where can people find your podcast, find your book, all that fun stuff?

The best place to find me is at my website and that's timnewmanspeaks.com you could get a free ebook, top 21 challenges for public Speakers and How to Overcome Them. That'll put you on the email list. Send out an email every week about the podcast related episodes and that sort of thing.

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for hanging out with me. Everyone that's listening. Thank you so much for tuning in. Sorry I missed last week and come back next week hopefully for another my first stage story. Talk to you later.