Why You’re Never Truly Ready for Your First Stage with Marianne Hickman

Hello and welcome back to My First Stage. We are here live at the NSA Influence Conference. So excited to be here. I just met Marianne. Marianne is on a mission to help good people become crazy wealthy through the power of stages. She is a mom of 6, and while she's raising her kids in this crazy world, she has a goal of getting messages she can support in front of a microphone. And we love that, and we love that we're having you in front of our microphones today. And thank you for being here.

Well, thank you. This is fun. I thought this was such a great idea to set up your podcast just here and just record the— it's what I call instant implementation. It's so cool.

Yes. And we wanted a way to connect with the people here and really get to know some of these attendees, some of the other sponsors. You're here as a sponsor and just tell a little bit about what you're here to do, what your goal is while you're here.

Yeah.

And how you're working with speakers.

I want to get a tan because we're in Arizona.

That is a great idea.

That would be very dangerous. And white.

Oh my God, I did not bring sunscreen.

I didn't.

And I'm just like, I cannot go out. I can barely walk past a light bulb.

I know, like, yeah, it's scary. Yeah. So no, we're, we're here with our partners eSpeakers, which is a platform. Imagine Tinder for speakers and event coordinators. Okay. So y'all can find each other. You've got ratings, you've got reviews, you've got certifications on there.

See, ratings and reviews has to be added to Tinder, I think.

For real, right? Can you imagine like a TripAdvisor for Tinder?

Oh my God, Yelp.

Yelp for Tinder. Yes, that would have saved me so much trouble as a single mom.

Thank you.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my God. Okay, back, back, back to public speaking. This is not about online dating.

Oh man, but we could go there. So yeah, so that's what we're with them. So when in our company we put people on stage, but not before they're ready, because I don't know about you, but I have seen way too many. It's crazy to me when I see a speaker And I don't want to throw shade on the speaker, but when I see a speaker take the stage, um, so unprepared and they are not developed, and it's, it's just painful to watch. But they earned this amazing stage and they don't have the training, and I feel for them because that can be really hard. It can turn them off to the power of public speaking and to the influence they can have when they don't know how to speak, and then they get embarrassed and they never speak again. So we train them along the way. So we do hot seats and we do feedback loops and we do all of these things and then we certify them and we're like, okay, let's get you booked on podcasts, then virtual summits, and then the big stage.

And so we have all sorts of helpers and partners with that. But eSpeakers is our partner for the big stages and I'm stoked for it.

So now I want to ask, because you're talking about getting ready for that stage and how you can really become that great speaker, how, how do you know when you're ready? What is that moment where it's, where it's like, okay, parent, you're not. When you can afford it. So never.

So never.

Exactly. But if I was, if I was a new speaker, I wanted to get that first stage. Like, is there a few like checkpoints of like, I'm ready for this? Let me go on that, go to that summit. Let me go do that keynote. How, how do, how am I ready?

So that's a good question. How do you know when you're ready? I don't think at least any speaker I've ever met has never had a that point where they're on stage and they're like, I don't need any more practice, I'm perfect at this. I mean, I— one of my friends is Joseph McClendon, he's Tony Robbins MC. Okay. And he's got a backstage routine, you know, he's got his thing. And if you're coming at it with, am I ever going to be perfect, just relax because you're not gonna be and you're gonna mess up. Just like live stuff happens. It doesn't— sometimes you get hit by banners, it happens.

Or sometimes you pee your pants on stage, or sometimes— yes, it did happen.

So you—

oh yeah.

Oh my God, okay, now we need this story. Um, let's, let's, let's start with that one.

Okay, so, uh, I, I was running this big event and I was the MC and I had this morning segment where I would do a power hour, right? So a little bit of woo-woo, a little bit of real stuff, and all is all good, right? So I'm having the audience step and moving and they're doing 100 jumping jacks. Now I have to preface this, remember, mom of 6 kids, right? Your pelvic floor is not what it used to be. And when you're really trying to hydrate super good because you know your voice is going to be on tax all day, you got 2 liters of like herbal tea that you're just downing. And I was like, I am so good. I am drinking my water. I got my tea in. I am, I am set. I feel prepared, right? So we're going to go up on stage.

We're going to do this power hour. We're toward the end, but I'm in jumping jacks mode, right? I don't know if it's not enough Kegels or whatever it is, but around 27, 28, I'm starting to feel the pressure, right? So I'm like, okay, I can stop and just motivate and walk around, but I got to get back into it because I have this integrity bone that's like, man, if I'm not doing it, how can I ask them to do it? So I'm jumping back in 50, 60. I'm like, it's getting worse, not better. And this, how do I describe the, the uncontrollable? It's imagine the Hoover Dam breaking. But in your jeans. Like, it, it's— I can't stop it. I— there's no amount of crossing my legs or bending or whatever is— and it's just— I can feel the warmth reaching my knees, and I'm like, is it going to come out the ankles? I don't know. And but we're just pretending it's not happening.

We're just up there and we're smiling and praying my jeans are dark enough that nobody notices. And I got 20 minutes left on stage after this.

Was there at least a podium you could go behind?

No. Oh no, never a podium. So I'm just walking around and I'm keeping my distance. I'm getting shares after it's done and I'm keeping my distance. It's like, I don't want him to smell it. It probably smells like herbal tea, not pee. But I'm walking around and, and I just got off and I was so mortified on the inside that I had just totally peed my pants. Not out of nervousness, just out of biology.

Yep. And I'm like, I can't tell anybody. I can't tell anybody. I have, I have to call my husband and get new clothes, but I can't tell anybody. So what's the first thing I do? Tell everybody. Tell everybody. I tell everybody. And I was like, you can't tell anybody.

Pretty soon I have this group of 12 people. You guys can't tell anybody. But this is, I think I was coping with trauma, you know?

Like, I feel like that's a thing though, because if I do something that is so embarrassing but nobody is around to see it, I'm just like, I have to call someone and be like, I need to tell you what I just did. It is so embarrassing. And I'm like, but you can't be embarrassed if nobody knows. So someone has to know.

So you have to, so that you can, so that the embarrassment is real. Right. Yeah. And at the same time, it, it, it actually helps you cope with whatever you went through. If you look at that, we were talking about therapy a little bit earlier. Therapy is the ability to talk through what you went through to not minimize it, but to digest it. Yeah. Right.

And so even that traumatic moment, you know, something that would complete, could have the power to completely mortify. Yeah. It doesn't. It's funny. Yeah, it's funny.

That is a great story.

I think it's funny.

So if you are thinking about getting on stages, just know you can pee your pants on stage and still make an amazing career as a speaker.

I wouldn't recommend it like as a model.

Do as I say, not what I do kind of a thing. But if you're out of ideas and you're like, what can I do to stand out? You could pee your pants.

You could. And then there would be two of us. I'm sure just the two of us that have done this.

So what happened next?

Okay. Like in that event or like in the life of speaking?

In the life of speaking. Because if you like, you pee your pants on stage, like one, one way to deal with that is like, I'm never getting on stage again.

But clearly that is one way. No. Yeah. And I wonder, I have not yet met anyone at that event who says, I remember I was there. I don't think the audience knew.

I really don't. Except for the ones you told.

Yeah, well, those guys. But that was staff. Oh, okay. So, like, yeah, I'm not surprised that they know because I told them. But I don't think the, like, they don't remember. So I didn't, it didn't even cross my mind as a future possibility in terms of could this happen again. One, because I stopped drinking so much tea and I stopped doing jumping jacks. We did like push-ups.

So we adjusted. But it, it wasn't. So embarrassing, like, I can't ever do this again. So back to the original question of like, when do you know you're ready?

When you've gone to the bathroom.

Yeah, that first. It's like going to bed, pee first. It's a tactical wee, as they say. But there's, there's this never ready that you, you know you're ready because you want to. Yeah, you know you're ready because you want to. And there will be things that we get better at as speakers over time. You become a better speaker when you stop being so egotistical and self-absorbed. And you don't care about the limelight, you just care about the people that you're serving, that makes a really good speaker.

You can become a better speaker by just having fun doing what you're doing. Get your dance song that you love to do. Man, the speakers that we cringe at, we almost— it's a sympathy cringe because they're not having fun and we're not having fun. And if you're in the audience, you want them to do well. Yeah, you want the speaker to have fun so that you help.

Yeah, right.

So I would say just get as many stages under your belt as you can. And by the way, Going live on Instagram, that counts. That counts as a stage. You can deliver your keynote for 2 minutes if you want to. You can— you're in front of an audience. And I don't care if nobody shows up. My first stage, nobody was there.

Yeah.

My husband didn't even come. It was in my living room. I set up a whole event. I had the table, I had the couch set up. I had like water.

I was ready.

I hadn't peed my pants yet, so I didn't know, but I— nobody came.. And I remember the first event that inspired me to speak. I felt like this is spiritual kick in the chest that was like, you're supposed to do this, not for your own benefit, but not— doesn't mean you can't benefit, but it's not for you. It's for them. I did this in my living room because my mentor said, you've got to get a stage every other week, even if it's just in your own living room. So every other week, just put on something and invite people. When nobody came. I had this moment that we all would have of, I guess this isn't gonna work.

Yeah, I guess I shouldn't be doing this. I guess it's like, that was stupid, that was silly, whatever. But then the second line of what my mentor told me was this. He said his first event, nobody came. And he said, I gave my speech anyway because I didn't want it to be my fault that it didn't get out to the universe. I love that. And I was like, whoa. Okay.

So I gave my speech anyway, and I'm so glad I did because the audience loved it. There was standing applause, not a dry eye in the house. Just kidding. There was no people. But I gave as much as I wanted to.

But in your head, they were cheering. They were just— it was a standing ovation. It was a standing ovation. You just couldn't see it.

It just took a long time to get to my ears.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine. But it was one of the best things I did, even though I have no way to measure it or track it or prove it. It's not a metric necessarily, but it got me thinking, if I can deliver a keynote in front of nobody, then I can do it in front of 700 people. So I did it again, and then 3 people came in, 2 of them fell asleep. It was great. And then I did it again, and then I did it again. And so many people are good at what they do, not because they became an overnight success, but because they stuck with it. They've been doing it for so long.

These speakers here, I was at the lobby last night and I heard this guy say that this is his 45th conference at NSA. And I was like, the stories you must have.

I heard someone today say it was like his 24th. And I was, I didn't even realize there were that many.

I didn't either.

That's insane.

That's longer than I am. Age-wise, like not 24. I'm 40, almost, almost 40. But that, I mean, that's incredible. So it's, it's stop worrying about getting ready and just go do it. Yes. Your first time will be your worst time. It's like riding a bike.

You'll crash and burn. So what?

Get up. There's nothing that we do perfectly the first time.

Nope. I can't think of a single— I don't even open my phone perfectly the first time.

I have dropped mine on my face many times this week alone. The first time we went to record this podcast— we've, we've been podcasting for many years, Larry even longer than I have been— and he forgot to hit record.

Oh dude, I'm so relieved to hear you say that.

Like, seriously, that is the thing that it's like every newbie podcaster forgets to hit record on their first recording, and it's like, that's supposed to be your first recording ever. Yeah, not your first recording on like your 7th podcast over a 10-year career.

But it happens. It does happen. And it's okay.

And to pretend it's not is ridiculous.

Yes. I've seen way too many speaker bros and the girl version of that, whatever, get up there and be so inaccessibly perfect that it feels like a lie. Yeah. You know, it just—

now I love that. And I want to ask you this because one of the things that I feel very self-conscious about as a speaker is I know I am not a polished speaker. I am never going to get a TED Talk, and that's okay. I don't know what I'm going to say before I step on stage. I just kind of make it up as I go. And I want it to be a conversation. I want it to be natural. I want it to just flow.

But I also know that it's not perfect. And part of that makes me self-conscious because I'm like, is the, is the audience expecting better? Are they going to think that I'm unprepared? Like, it's hard for me to reconcile it, but at the same time, to do it a different way would be inauthentic.

Well, you're not alone, first of all. Yeah. And I'm sure there's a lot of people listening that wrestle with that same thing. And to that, I will say too polished is not good. Okay. If you're too polished, it's robotic.

That's always what I— that's what I try to avoid.

Yeah. And in our conversation, I didn't know I was going to talk to you today. I didn't know I was going to meet you today. I didn't rehearse for that. Yeah. So we don't rehearse for conversations. Why should we? And I don't want to say this wrong, because when you're delivering a keynote, you should practice. Michael Phelps practices still, and he's got a gabillion gold medals, right? And he still practices.

So yes, there are things we can do to make our keynote better and body language adjustments we can make and stage geography adjustments we can make, tonalities, like stories. You and I were talking about that a little earlier. But there's a point at which there's diminishing returns in terms of being polished. Yeah, because if I'm too polished now, I'm not talking to you anymore. I'm talking at you, and nobody signed up for that. A great point. You know, like, when, when the first thing I do when I jump on stage is I ask the audience what they came for. Oh, I really want to know, like, why did you— I got a babysitter.

Why did you get a babysitter? Why did you pay for flights? Why did you pay for a hotel? Why did you pick your favorite outfit with some deliberation? I know you did. And you came here with a cute makeup on and your nice tie and 'And you look amazing. Why? What are you hoping to get out of it?' And most of the time I get this potpourri answer, you know, like potpourri. I call it potpourri because everybody knows it smells nice, but nobody really knows what it is, right? Because they're like, 'I want more networking. I want more financial freedom.' And I was like, 'Great, good. That smells good. What does that mean?' Yeah. 'How will you know when you got it?' Yeah.

And so before I even begin my keynote, I will ask them to take whatever notes they have draw a box, and then create expectations of themselves before they leave the conference. You have to check the box and know that you got what you came for. Otherwise, why are any of us here? And then when I listen to the shares well enough, I may change my keynote. I may change what I speak about. I, I've more times than I can count thrown out my slides because they told me it's not what they need. Now, I'm not going to pretend that I'm some omniscient oracle and I have the ability to deliver the fulfillment of everyone's dreams, like vote for Pedro style. I can't do that, but I can give them a measure. Yeah.

And generally I know the event and the audience well enough where I can say, okay, if that's what you came for, this is what we need to talk about.

I love that because one of the things that I hear a lot when we're talking about building your brand and brand messaging and delivering what your audience wants, people look at me like, well, how do I know what they want? And I have told them like, okay, this is going to be a very complex answer. You want You're going to want to get a pen and some paper. You're really going to want to take notes. It's what I'm about to say. And they're like, okay, I'm ready. I'm ready.

What is it?

Ask them.

It took me so much reading to figure this out.

Ask them, what, what are you looking for? What do you need? What, what is it about what I'm doing that you like? What is it that you don't like? Ask them the question.

Yeah.

Because you can guess all you want, but that's not going to get you anywhere. Yeah. And you're gonna be delivering what you think that they want and it's not connecting. And then you're gonna get mad later about why is it not connecting?

By the way, it works with your spouse too. True. Ask them. Ask them.

I feel like that's just like overarching advice.

Yeah. Let's, let's just like be curious about people. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Let's, let's stop with the assumptions. You know, you know what, what happens when you assume.

Yep. Yep.

Uh, but no, I, I love that and I love that you do that on stage and that it's the mark of a very Like, it's marking an expert and a very polished and experienced speaker.

You're making me sound so good, girl.

That's what I'm here for. That you're able to pivot on the spot if you need to.

Well, I mean, it's a conversation. Yeah. When we think of it as a conversation, no matter if there's 7 or 700 people in the room, I'm talking to you and then I'm talking to you. I'm never talking to an audience. I've never met anyone, even this day and age, that identifies as an audience. I'm talking to you. And when, when you get off stage and those testimonials come in, you know what the testimonials are? When people come up to you, they're like, you spoke to me. I just got goosebumps.

Like when, when you have that conversation, you spoke to me, you, I felt like you got me and I'll be forever changed because of what I did here with you today.

I, I'm really hard on myself as a speaker and I don't think I do it well because I'm not polished because I know I'm not.

Stop that. You can just let that go right now. Drop that backpack and walk away.

I had, I had someone come up to me after one of my speaking things and she basically hired me on the spot to help her write her TED Talk because she's like, I want you to help me do for my audience what you did for me. See, there you go. And that is—

run with it.

That was the best compliment I've ever gotten as a speaker because she's like, I, I was engaged from start to finish. Yeah, I was paying attention. I was listening to everything that you said. From beginning to end because you told stories, because it was relatable, all of these things. And she's like, I want that in mine. Yeah. And I spent like 2 weeks with her like writing the script of her TED Talk.

How cool is— I just got goosebumps, man. Like, that, that's, that's the propagation we need. So, okay, so I watched this, um, uh, documentary. I'm a huge documentary nerd. You will find me like not binging on a bunch of like Love Is Blind shows. I'm like, where's the next documentary?

So I'm watching to see the one we were in. No. Oh my God.

Shut up.

What? There's a Netflix documentary about the Liver King.

Uh-huh. We're in it. You're kidding. Oh, there's a story there. I need to know this. I'm going to have to watch it. You text me the episode.

I will. And I think it's like minute 29 or something. It's about 3 seconds.

Yeah.

They didn't tell us they were putting us in it, but we did an episode of our other podcast, Branded. We did an episode about the Liver King and they made a documentary and they pulled a piece of our podcast into it. And we didn't know until we're getting texts like, are you aware you're on Netflix? Guys I dated in college were texting me like, hi, I know it's been 10 years and this is probably weird, but I just saw you. I just saw you on Netflix. And I'm like, mm-hmm. I'm surprised you recognize me. But yes, that was, that was I. That's, that was I.

Crazy. Yes. Okay. You have to send that to me. I will. I'm like, I did the same thing with my friend Annalee Ashford. I went to high school with her and I was like, oh my gosh, you're in a movie with Dennis Quaid. So I messaged her on Instagram, I was like, Annalee, it's been forever.

So I was that guy. Yep. So anyway, I was watching this documentary and, uh, it's, it's— I can't even remember the name of it, but oh, it was Seaspiracies. Okay, right. It's all about the fishing industry. This is how nerdy I am. Love it. So, but the thing that stuck out to me had nothing to do with what they were trying to say in the documentary.

This is one of the things that stuck out to me was they took satellite photos of the Gulf of Mexico of the ocean floor, at least as much as they could from satellite, right? The cameras are not so— so there's these scars from where these fishing nets— they'll take these fishing nets and they'll drag them on the bottom of the ocean floor and they'll just collect everything that they can. And then we've got horrible— it's, it's bad. It's really bad. It's destructive. It's inhumane. I have all the sorts of things about it. If you're watching, stop it, okay?

The fishing industry is our number one audience.

Oh yeah, well, we should know that. Yeah. Ask them. Okay. So I, I watched this and I, and I looked at the satellite photos and there's all of these scars on this ocean floor. And I was like, okay, let's turn on my motivational speaker brain here. Cause there's a lesson in this. And so I looked at those scars and I looked at the scars on my belly from having babies.

And the thing that— the thing that came into my mind is that that left a mark. And the fishing industry and all this death and destruction, that's one thing, but those kids left a mark on me that I don't want to leave. I don't want it to go away. I remember every kick, I remember every hiccup, I remember every contraction. I don't remember all of the pain, that— that's God's grace. But the thought that came to my mind is that we as speakers, when we have the sacred space of a microphone, is that we need to leave a mark. Yeah. In a good way.

Yeah. We need to leave a mark that lasts. And that feedback that you got from that participant, you left a mark. Yeah. You left a mark on her heart and her soul that made her better. And what's cool about that is when you have like a candle with a flame on it and it touches another candle, that resource of fire grows through sharing of it. The flame doesn't get smaller, it actually gets bigger in size. And the mark that you left will leave a mark on her, and her TED Talk will leave a mark on countless people because people are going to watch that on YouTube forever.

Yeah. And, and you— and I can tell you're not seeking the credit for it, but you— without you, that would never would have happened. Wow. It— that person and the people that she blessed would have gone without if you had not gotten on that stage. And those are the people I love putting microphones up to. Yeah, I love that.

I love everything you've had to say. This has been way more than I expected, and in the best way possible.

Not dry. I know.

I love this so much. Thank you so much. And how can people, get in touch with you, find out more about you, work with you, all of that stuff?

Well, I have my website, Marianne Hickman, but I'm really active on Instagram. So if you look up Marianne Hickman, I'm there. And, uh, yeah, let's just hang out and, and talk and tell me how you met me, and let's, let's just be friends.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I'm glad that we are now friends. Same. And we are going to stay friends, and we're going to do a lot of work together. I, I can feel it. Me too. So thank you so much.

Thank you all for listening. We will be back soon with another amazing speaker and hearing about their next stage.